Alls well that ends well... or so they say.

It's nearing 2015, and there are days when I can look back on this year and think of what an amazing roller coaster it's been. So many great things have happened in my life, and they're continuing to happen. I can reflect back on this year and be thankful for it as it's been a true blessing. My family is doing well, I'm doing well, and my friends are doing well. I can't ask for anything more and yet I'm consistently blessed with more every day. There should be no reason for me to hold any anger in my heart, but unfortunately I do, And it's all towards an ex of mine. I won't say his name, but the reason he stands out the more than others is because he's the only one I truly, down to a cellular level, dislike. All of the rest (like there were so many) I wish nothing but happiness and positive things for their future. For whatever reason our futures were not destined to be entwined and there are no hard feelings. But for this one guy in particular, I still can't forgive and I think part of the reason is because I never confronted my issues with him. I hadn't spoken out in any way whatsoever. I don't text him or call him. In fact, I've blocked him from my phone, from my Facebook, and basically my life.

What made me think of him recently was when he found my Instagram and liked an age old photo of himself. To which I promptly deleted the photo and made my Instagram private. (It was a photo of him that I'd completely forgotten was there.) I also blocked him as an extra precaution.

All in all I think I've done a pretty decent job of blocking him from getting in contact with me.

When we started dating, it was fine. We had a lot of fun together. He'd come over all the time, we'd go out to eat, either one of us would pay. We could laugh, have serious conversations, etc. It was all good fun. Then feelings got in the mix, and hurt feelings came out. The first few months we were together, we hadn't had a conversation about our relationship, so if he'd been seeing someone then, it wouldn't have bothered me so much because I wasn't exclusive, so why would I ask him to be? When we did have the conversation finally, I asked for two things:

Honesty and Fidelity.

It's safe to assume he failed miserably on both.

Not once, not twice, but on multiple occasions I later found out. Plus, his side chick was apparently a permanent fixture. I had had enough, so I broke it off with him. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he brought this side chick to my apartment and decided to play family man with her kids and walk our dogs together. Besides that, he hadn't had a job the entire time we were together (which he lied about in the beginning. Come to find out he was working the unemployment system), he lived at my place practically, had his dog there, contributed nothing, had no motivation to do so, and when he got tired of being up under me, he'd run up under his side chick. (Some was realization, some was information after the fact.)

Regardless, I ended it. I was not going to be a sugar mama for a man that was older than me!!

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I had to live with him for a few months longer after we broke up. He hoped that we would get back together, but I already knew I wanted something else. Someone with looks, brains, ambition, hopes and dreams, and could be honest, up front and not have sex with women behind my back. I left for a while and spent some time gaining perspective about how far I'd fallen into this deceiver's web. I had finally had clarity and started immediately looking for a new place to live.

When I'd come back, it only took me a few days before I was renting a u-haul, packing up my things and hitting the road. The day had already started off bad when he'd borrowed my car overnight and hadn't come back until an hour after I needed to go and pick up my truck. He then called himself helping by throwing my things all crazy in the u-haul to which I promptly told him to go mind his own business while I continued to move on with my life. After packing, he had this insane idea that I was going to let him drive me to my new place. Of all the things I was taking with me, the moocher was not one of them. When he realized that it was truly over and I never wanted to see him again, and the fact that he would soon be homeless, his idea of a last desperate attempt at winning me back was to body slam me on the concrete driveway and scream "F*ck You!" While I lay trying to catch my breath and grasp what had just happened.

Now, I believe I had plenty of reason to be upset and dislike him from before, but I think, in hindsight, a lot of this could've been prevented had I just paid attention and listened to my first instinct, but never once had we had an issue where I felt that I was in danger of him laying hands on me. We'd never had a physical, or even attempted physical altercation. I've racked it in my brain one hundred and one times and there was nothing in our history that suggested that this man was physically abusive.

I called the cops, but in the end, I didn't press charges. Something I regret to this very day. A close friend of mine threatened his life every day for the entire five months I was in physical therapy. The emotional therapy is still going on, but I think in a lot of ways I have grown. I've gotten back into my acting and writing, the fear that used to overwhelm me about those has been more or less overcome because you really never know when it could all end.

I just wish I could stop being so angry. I have longer bouts when my head is down and I'm pushing forward or enjoying the company of the people that love me, but any time he's brought up through mutual friends, this seething anger washes over me as if it all had just happened yesterday. This was 2012, and I stall haven't gotten over it. I don't think I ever will completely, but I do hope that as a new year approaches, it'll be easier to move on with my life and continue to receive the many blessings that have been bestowed upon me.

Take Care and God Bless,
Amber